Hidden Motives, Hidden God

If I had never felt or heard God it would be because my ways are so offensive to him that He won't even come near me. Some of us refuse to understand the problem is ourself. It's not that God is busy, or that He's far away, or even that He doesn't exist. It's the way we live our life that draws him near or pushes him away, this is a pattern throughout the Bible. We read about it but do we change our life to draw Him near?

I remember in High School I would ask God to help me make it through the day and I'll serve him the rest of my life. I didn't really know what I was saying. I just really wanted to get through the day because school was so hard on my nerves and my body re-acted really bad. I was basically making a deal with God, and that doesn't usually work -- because when the problem goes away I forget about my end of the bargain.

I've asked God for a lot of things and a lot of them never happened, and It put me in a defensive mode thinking I deserve what I ask for and I'm the victim. I don't know if there was some motive that was off or the attitude was wrong in the way I asked, I just dunno.

I don't totally know why I don't have divine health or 20/20 vision, and how come I still have troubles. I do know that Jesus didn't die for my vanity. A verse that's cleared up a lot of confusion for me was one that says something like (Paraphrasing):

What causes quarrels among you? Doesn't it come from the inner battle within? You don't have because you don't ask God. And when you do ask God, you ask with the wrong motives hoping to spend what you receive on your own selfish pleasures.

Some days I don't feel the presence of God. But I have to keep trusting the Lord. Those are the times I can slip up more than others. The manifested presence of God lifts my spirit and makes life easy in anything I am facing, and that's hard to understand when I don't feel Him, but I have enough to know it's true.

If I never felt God I probably wouldn't be a Christian. I don't understand how people say they are something yet never get any pleasure out of it. Many Christians don't like talking about the Bible or have no interest in reading it. I would never be a monk because that would be a lonely un-enjoyable life to me.

It's because He revealed himself to me and even more so from seeking Him. I just don't understand why He does what He does. I always come back to the verse: His ways are not my ways, nor are His thoughts my thoughts.